Taking the long road, carefully maneuvering every turn, quick dips and falls. Making sure not to take a wrong turn. This very delicate relationship road has come to a detrimental hault. Differences in faith practices.
This has been my relationship journey. Trying to be perfect and careful not to give him reason to doubt I’m the right woman. I fell in love with his heart, soul, talents and deep faith. My first impression of him was his love for God and his children. His first impression of me was my faith, but MY faith practice has been a test of our love.
Over the course of five years, we were friends. Drifted apart for a while. Then reconnected after three years. A few months later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt so special! After a few more months he gave me a key to his house, so I felt at home. A year later he proposed. Just beautiful!
All of these positive steps just felt natural. Like God had his hand on us every step of the way. We supported each other by accompanying each other to our perspective church service. My Catholic Mass and his non-denominational service. I had attended service with him and his children for well over a year and always left with a great message. Until, one Sunday the pastor preached against religion and stated “religious people would go to hell.” I was floored, hurt, angry, confused – all the mixed emotions you can imagine. I had to get up and leave the service because there was no way to defend myself or anyone else who may have been in my shoes. Defenseless amongst all the stones being thrown. But because I walked out, my boyfriend was offended that I couldn’t just bite my tongue and sit there and take the blows. In my ignorance, I never imagined his faith would teach hate and judgement. Although I was reluctant to go to service with him again, I went because I LOVED him. I still do because a love based on faith doesn’t just go away.
But he couldn’t get over my reaction that one Sunday service. Sitting at service with him wasn’t the same because, he later explained he was nervous and on a defense that his pastor would say something to offend me and I would walk out, leaving him alone again.
We were able to move forward from that day and a few months after that incident, he proposed!!! Of course I said yes, but I also asked him if he was sure because of what we had experienced. We both knew we’d have more days like that Sunday. But he said he was sure. So we began to let our family know of our engagement.
There were a few Sundays after our engagement I wasn’t able to go to service with him and so he couldn’t go with me. Then one Sunday, just a couple of months into our engagement, he went to service. I couldn’t go with him and his children. I texted him and asked how service was. His response, “it was ok.”. This was odd, but I didn’t question it. He acted very different toward me, but I thought it was because I was stressing and hadn’t been very affectionate toward him the week before. But he was distant and ignored me the few days following. I didn’t understand what was going on. Until he finally texted me and said he was going through a lot of stress. But I found it more odd that he couldn’t share with me. I prodded a little and he finally said he was thinking about changing churches. I was shocked and didn’t respond.
We finally had a chance to actually talk that Friday. He told me service was difficult for him to hear because his pastor said something about Catholics and the Virgin Mary. My fiancé couldn’t elaborate and never told me what was said. But he felt he had to protect me and was disgusted by what his pastor said. Those were his words. Still, not sharing with me what was said. I was very confused, but knew at that point, the inevitable was about to take place – making a decision to end our engagement because of such strong difference in faith beliefs. I was hurt that it came down to the idea I was the problem. But my intellectual instinct kicked in and I started to weigh his options. He had more to loose if he changed churches, compared to just loosing me. I realized I was disposable in this relationship despite the love we had. This hurt deeply! The only emotion I had to grip on to to allow me to leave was anger! Anger toward his pastor, toward him for choosing to support a faith that teaches it’s ok to judge people and condemn them to hell. How can I compete or expect any opportunity to defend my faith? I let my fiancé know I would be willing to continue going to service with him and learn to keep quiet and bite my tongue so that he knew my love for him. But he expressed his concern for not being able to go to service with me at his side and not feel I would hear something that would offend me.
And so I made the decision for both of us because he couldn’t say it. The most difficult decision of my life – to end a relationship so abruptly. I kept asking where God was in the decision.
In the following couple of months, I had to learn to mourn, pray, heal, and defend my faith. At some points I became someone different, trying to hold on so desperately. I even begged God to grant my prayers, to help me understand.
Two and a half months later, I finally got an answer to my prayer- let him be. He didn’t fight for us and I can’t fight alone.
God knows my heart and He knows best. Amen!
My 3 Butterflykisses 