Trying to figure it out

Misery has found a corner in my heart. After weighing out my life, sorting through hurt, pain, sadness, happiness, and joy, I remain enveloped in a blanket of sorrow. Sorrow and wailing because I can’t find a way to forgive. 

In trying to figure it out, I learned two things about myself. First, I’m tired of feeling like someone’s second choice. I have felt this way throughout my childhood and in my marriage, which mesh together from high school to marriage. The oldest of seven children, I never felt adequate enough to be my parents’ pride and joy. 

My mother told me a few times she was proud of me, but I never felt it. Having to be the example as the oldest, I never felt it was good enough. Then I married. 

My husband gave me many things. He worked hard, but for who? I never felt it was for me, not that material things mattered. Like he was always trying to impress someone else. I couldn’t compete with his intentions to win over everyone else. And his bad choices proved where his heart really was.

In the last 10 months I learned the second thing about myself; I am not as strong as I seem and/or want to be. I’ve never felt so low in my entire life. I often believe everyone will be better off without me. I’m not strong enough to be forgiving. 

I have felt I’m not worthy to be in God’s presence.  I have failed my family, myself and my Lord.

I’m still trying to figure it out. Although I’m not the person I’ve always wanted to be, I know one day I will figure it out. I have to.

Reality Is Never What You Imagine.

The last few months have been a dream. Literally, living a dream that would never reach a happy ending. 

My husband thought one thing, while I was still fighting to make sense of the struggle I have between staying married and being the forgiving wife or letting go and being free of worry and anger.

As I write these words, my heart is torn. I don’t want to be the bad person and ask for a divorce, I don’t want to be the one who makes him feel bad for causing such turmoil.

There’s one thing that’s certain; I don’t want to feel that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and throat knowing there’s something wrong [in my marriage]. I have to convince myself that I’m not second best and I’m not responsible for someone else’s bad choices. I’m not!!

I’m angry again right now and its fueling my emotions. And as always, anger and strong emotions lead to irrational decisions.