Appreciating the Memories

The last couple of weeks have felt odd to me. I have felt I am living in a different world from what I lived just three months ago. I moved into a new home, I bought a new car, I am taking six hours of college credits, I am supporting and advising our Catholic Student Ministry organization on campus. I am spending time with friends and I am slowly spending more time with my daughters and grandchildren. All this activity has me living a new life. This is good because my life is moving forward.

But the odd feeling I have is the fact that I miss the people that were in my life just three months ago. They are no longer part of my life and I know our separation was for the best, but I miss them. Every once in a while, something triggers a memory with them or I remember a place we visited together and I miss them.

Each memory is special and it brings so much joy to my heart. I catch myself smiling because every moment was a blessing. I also feel a true sadness knowing I couldn’t spend my life with them. They taught me so much about how different worlds can come together to share such immense love and happiness. But I learned to appreciate every second we spent together, every smile, wink of an eye, hello, goodbye, hug and conversation, every written letter, and phone call – every memory!!

I hope to someday share my memories with anyone who wants to listen, but for now, I share it with whoever reads this note.

May the abundance of God’s love reach the depths of your heart. Make memories and share them often!

Peace in Christ.

Being Held To Your Own Standards

After 25 years of marriage, I decided to leave my marriage for reasons my daughters will not understand. They have had a difficult time and with good reason. My daughters hold me to my own standards because that’s what I taught them.

Being held to your own standards is very difficult to accept and deal with.  I am Catholic and have always opposed divorce. As a matter of fact, part of my promise before I married, was to never talk about divorce. Divorce was not to be part of my vocabulary. My ex-husband and I taught our children that divorce was not something we supported and that we were to work out every problem, no matter how difficult it was.

My daughters will not understand my reasons, nor do I want them to understand. For my children to understand my reasons would mean they would have to experience my heartaches and I never wish that on them.

The difficulty of being held to your own standards is being rejected by your own children. My children believe I made the wrong choice when I left their father. They have been angry with me and have stopped talking to me. The heartache is almost unbearable at times, but I understand their reasoning.

Holding me to an extremely high standard, which I still support, takes away my chances at being loved and loving someone else because my children believe anyone else in my life is intruding on any possibility of reconciliation between their father and me.

Someone asked me, “does your happiness not count?”, to which I replied, “Not right now.” Because I am responsible for my daughters’ peace of mind. If I can’t give them the gift of peace, then I have to deny my own happiness until my daughters find their happiness, forgiveness, and peace.

My daughters are exceptional young women because they have not lost hope for our faith beliefs. Although I struggle with their life choices at times, I know they have a strong set of values that their father and I taught them.

It is my prayer that one day they have just a smidge of understanding with which they will be able to forgive and accept their new life -my new life. At the same time, I pray they do not lose their convictions, values and high standards.

How Much Change Does It Take to Get to the Center Of My Joy?

The last couple of years have been full of so many changes in my life. Changes that were difficult to make and others that were out of my control. My intentional changes were for my own satisfaction – my own joy. But those changes have not satisfied my true desire to be happy.

I have been in two relationships since my divorce and I’ve not been able to find happiness. I have since learned that, to an extent, those two relationships were to fill the sadness I felt with the absence of my daughters. Because my daughters have had a hard time with their father’s and my divorce, they have distanced themselves from me. Not having my daughters in my life has been the deepest loneliness I have ever felt.  The two relationships I was in, confirmed what I already knew – I’m the only one who can make me happy.

I prayed and pleaded with God to bless me with my heart’s desires and for short moments I would experience peace and delight. But those moments were very short-lived. I was able to find the blessing in the relationships and struggles I went through. But, after each unsuccessful event, I questioned God’s purpose for my life. God answered me by allowing me to figure it out on my own.

During those times of loneliness, I was closer to my daughters. I held on to every tiny word they spoke to me. I took it with the utmost love and joy, even though it may not have been their intention. As time passes, I learn to appreciate every second and opportunity I have with my children. Joy comes with forgiveness and patience and that is my ultimate goal.

Throughout all the struggles, the loneliness, the depression, the only satisfaction was knowing God was close enough to remedy the hurt I felt – all I had to do was reach for him and he provided the comfort and love I needed to be happy again. God has opened my mind to the countless friends and family members who are always there to support me. They will always be the reason I have been able to move forward.

I have had to learn to trust God’s timing. God’s plan has no sense of time. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to find joy, God provides for our needs in the meantime. He allows us a lifetime to find the ultimate joy with him. He allows limitless changes in our life to find happiness. And in the end, the center of my joy will be my children and my Lord, regardless of time or change. When my children find happiness, then my heart will be free to find even more joy.

I do not regret the challenges in my life, as they have made me stronger and more faithful. The people who have crossed my path were valuable to me and my only prayer is that they also feel the same. My joy already exists!  It may be small right now, but in due time, my joy will be so great and centralized in my heart that everyone and everything else will be enveloped in my happiness.

“Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2-3