Learning to be Alone

Learning to be alone and realizing only God’s love is key to finding the right relationship. If I don’t let God love me first and I don’t find a way to love God first, then I won’t ever be happy. This has been a struggle, but I’m learning that timing is not my own. My patience is tested and my will becomes weak. So I went to confession about a week and a half ago and my penance was reading and meditating on John 6. This led me to find a bible study on John and it’s been so fulfilling. I’m learning more about my Catholic faith and learning to let my Lord be a big part of my alone time.

I still have moments where loneliness envelopes my heart. But I agreed to work on my life first. This is just so difficult.

But, I pray. I talk to God. I still cry, but I pick up the pieces of my heart and I stand up, find my voice and keep my head up. Because my eyes are on the Lord and he has never abandoned me.

What Does Being Alone Look Like

Alone

STRONG and yet weak

CONFIDENT, but questionable

FAITHFUL……tempted

HAVING A VOICE……keeping thoughts to myself

Being alone looks POSITIVE with doubts. Doubts that have to find their place away from my new world. Being alone looks like a cloud with rain that, at first is dark and dreary, but when the rain falls, is refreshing and new. I want to eventually allow God to fill my loneliness with the most abundant love that I will not notice when the love of someone else will sneak up and join my  heart in the celebration of my love for God.  I love my God, I just haven’t learned to let God in entirely. To consume my entire being. Right now shame, unworthiness and pain inhabit the crevices that need to be filled with God’s love. Working through those folds of doubt will take time. God knows my heart. And I can feel Him working diligently on me.

Alone

STRONG

CONFIDENT

FAITHFUL

GOD’S VOICE

ALL CONSUMING LOVE!!!!!

 

 

Should have been my first Post

When my husband and I decided to marry, we dreamed of having a family. I knew my husband would be a great father. He always thought he’d be a better father than his own. He was raised by a wonderful mother and she raised a great man.

After almost three years and a miscarriage we were pregnant!!! We had decided to name the baby after my husband, if our baby was a boy. Our first born girl, we named Britiany Cheyenne! Splitting image of her father. Two and a half years later, another girl, Briana Micaela!! And nearly three years later, another girl!!! After three c-sections, we decided to go ahead and find a variation of my husband’s nickname, Gabby and named our daughter Gabriella Nicole!! Our family was complete. My 3 Butterfly Kisses!! No boys, but we accepted God’s plan and cherished every moment with our daughters!

Picture perfect family. Children with impeccable manners and mindful of their parents. We were so proud! But God’s plan threw us for a loop. Raising three girls in this day in age calls for so much more than scare tactics. I was the disciplinarian and my husband, the peace keeper. But I also carried the responsibility of instilling faith and values, a responsibility that comes with much heartache. Teenage years proved to be our greatest challenge and we fought with all our might. Feeling alone and defenseless, we have come to pay the price for all the strict rules and high expectations.

Of course I realize that God has an even bigger plan and the devil fights harder against those who’s first priority is being faithful to God. And the biggest discouragement is heartache. This is not to say that we haven’t had very proud moments. But when your hardest work is dismissed by bad choices, you can’t help but stand back and ask, “where did I go wrong and why?!”

And so our new journey begins. Trying to continue parenting our girls and helping raise our first grand baby, a BOY!!!

I’ve had to learn to see it all as a blessing; of course this child is a blessing! But protecting an innocent life from all the hurts he will face, deems an impossible task. I pray everyday that God’s mercy dominates in this cruel, cruel world. And my biggest prayer… that my daughters learn to  let God guide their life. Because if I learned anything in my life is that God is joy!!! I’ve always let God lead me and, for the most part, I have been happy!!

Not As Easy As It Is In My Mind

Now I know why I stalled for so long. Facing my fears of divorce was exactly as I thought it would be. Maybe not as nerve wrecking, but just as stressful. But I know it’s the right thing to do because our understanding of everything is just so different. There is no way we can reconcile. And so, as difficult as it is and going to be, I will keep moving forward.

I gave my husband a copy of our proposed divorce petition. Emotions rose and we spoke of unspoken thoughts. But reached no mutual agreement that we will be ok apart. Only time will tell.

I’m ok. I’ll be fine. I’ll be strong. And I will be a better person.

Maybe it’s the strong feelings of confidence I have now or if God has placed it on my heart – I am ready.